Category Archives: relationships

Ask Me Anything

A girl straight out of high school, who doesn’t know what she wants to do in life, takes a year to be her, to figure life out. Sounds like a normal story that would be absolutely boring and bland, yet here I sit staring at a tv screen eyes full of tears.

Screenshot 2018-04-13 02.09.04This is not how something is supposed to end. I have so many questions. I watched the show initially because I kept seeing it come up on my suggested videos, and Britt Robertson who plays on For The People and Girl Boss is the main character. I’m a fan and now, an even bigger one.

Britt makes you fall in love for Katie’s character. She makes you feel sorry for her and connect with her. You can see yourself as her. 28 years ago I was her, except I didn’t take a year, I went to college and screwed it up. But its not the story that has me in tears.

Screenshot 2018-04-13 02.02.55Katie during the movie has several jobs, an overbearing mother with a boyfriend who is super nosey. She has a father who is an alcoholic and she is a cheater. Unbeknownst to her parents she is having sex and lot of it, and on top of that she has a blog where she tells every detail but changes names and details. She ends up with an amazing following, 14,000 visits and messages from people who have no idea who she is.

I didn’t judge her, no part of her life did I judge because at one point in my life, I was her. Partying and sleeping with people with no commitment, or false promises of one. I also dated a man who I later found out was married. So I didn’t judge her, I felt like I was her. In my previous life, I was Katie.

Screenshot 2018-04-13 02.09.25She had no real friends, no one who really had her back. Her birthday came around and no one was there for her to celebrate with. Her therapist was clearly not listening to her, this girl had a problem with sex. A problem with sex that stemmed from the abuse she endured as a child. But the therapist, that she only saw twice, said she wasn’t clinically depressed. Let me just say as someone who sees a therapist regularly, I wanted to slap her.

But its the surprise ending. I write surprise endings, I make you think outside the box and this – this is the emotion I want from people when they read my novels, when they see my movies.

Screenshot 2018-04-13 02.16.00I sit here, afraid to go to sleep because what kind of dream do you have after a movie like that, after the blog I wrote, after the list of things I have heard today? I am stuck. Stuck in that I need to go to bed because its 2 am and stuck between I need to watch something else to clear my mind.

See I originally chose the movie because I thought I could write while the movie was playing or I would get tired and fall asleep, but I watched every moment. My keyboard was still clicking, but nothing creative. It was all matter of fact, all – I am lost.

I won’t ruin the movie for you but watch it. The director Allison Burnett did an amazing job and I believe I feel exactly how they projected.

This trailer does nothing for the movie, its much darker, and not as shallow as this shows.

Fences – a poor example of Black Families

Family

Fences was not as good as I thought it would be! Wait, hold up, let me give Denzel and Viola their props, they played the hell out of their roles and deserved every award they earned. So let me explain what I mean by that.

See every movie about black families and marriages always include some kind of games, unfaithfulness, abuse and/or alcohol. How do we expect black families to be successful if all we see is black families falling apart? What happened to the Huxtables? The Martin and Ginas? The Winslows? The Evans?

“Some people build fences to keep people out, and other people build fences to keep people in…”

All Rose (Viola) wanted was for Troy (Denzel) to build a fence. A fence that visually in her mind made her feel would keep her family together. What she had was a husband, who paid the bills, but cheated on her; a son who wanted to protect her but was forced to respect and fear a father who showed him no affection; and a daughter born from the dead mistress of her husband.

When Troy said he was unhappy with Rose and how he felt after eighteen years he was still sitting in the same spot, she spoke up about standing there with him. This woman abandoned her dreams and goals to be everything this man needed her to be. She cooked every time someone walked in the door, kept a house clean and prayed over her household.

loveismagic
Black love = magic

In the era of Black Girl Magic I feel that although this was a good movie, it should be accompanied with other movies that show black girls to follow their dream.

Do you know that in the last 100 days, under the new administration hate groups have gone up? Not just against blacks, but against every non-white Christian group. A lot of the progress that the Obamas made are swept under the rug as if they never existed.

So I say again, Fences wasn’t as good as I thought it was, because to me it was sad. There are so many other ways to make relationships last, there are so much more to the black family and we should never have to give up our dreams or who we are to be with anyone. If anything, your kids suffer because they feel like life is all about settling.

Its Not Their Fault


I have been a single parent for almost 12 years now, minus a few “situationships” along the way, but  I’ve been mostly on my own. I had almost forgotten how hard it is in the beginning it is when you realize you’re doing it on your own until today.

Today my niece came to pick up her children from me. She had just left work and she was tired. She was complaining about all the things she had to do because “he” didn’t do any of it. Listening to her sounded so familiar, I heard my story.

I was her. I was a young mother of two children, both still in diapers. I worked a full time job where I commuted to work 45 minutes on the highway after dropping the girls off at a daycare 30 minutes out the way. I would come home to a husband, fresh out of jail, who didn’t know how to lift a finger to clean or cook. Yet he knew how to disappear.

I remember one time he left to go get milk for the kids cereal and came back 3 days later with no damn milk. Imagine how frustrating that is? Like why do I now have to call someone else to come get me to take me to the store, because you cant comprehend that the corner store is at the bottom of the neighborhood that you passed as you left. What did you have to go feed the cow and process the milk yourself. Its really not that hard.

Ok I’m getting sidetracked.

So anyways I remember being so frustrated and angry with him that the girls and I quit coming home. We would go to my Moms house, where he would follow, so I could have some help. I used to e so angry with everyone because here this low down bastard could help me take care of the family that he wanted to create.

I remember my AH HA moment. I was driving back to my moms house. It was late, and I was furious. My (then)husband had gotten himself arrested. He had dropped the girls off with his folks while he ran the streets, when he was supposed to take them to doctors appointments and spend time with him. Here I was late getting off due to a project at work, and I had to go find my children.

On the way back to my my Moms house, snow still on the banks from the blizzard and I was listening to Destinys Child’s new album – Destiny Fulfilled. (It was 2004). Their new album, in order, talked about a relationship from first flirting to complete failure. Somewhere between the song If and the song Through With Love I realized it. I was not his fuck up.

Now I dont think it was too much of what D3 was saying but more so the feeling I got when Michelle sang her verse on Through With Love. It made me realize that I was on my own and it was time to get over it. I couldnt let my happiness be determined by how he treated me. Hell he was happy, he was doing whatever he felt like, whenever he felt like doing it. I was the only one moping, but I was not the only one affected. I had two little faces that depended on me to tell them that life was going to be ok.

I say all this to say that we can’t control how someone treats us, but we can control how we respond. There is nothing harder than having to take care and raise children on your own. You will have other opinions to dodge, having no rest, cleaning and repeating yourself daily, but thats all part of being a mother. What difference will it make to complain? To be angry? You still have to do it. All I know is that at the end of the day I want to make sure my four little ones know that I am doing all I can for them. Because in the end, they are the only ones that matter.

Stop Bashing Single Parents

Being a single parent is tough. What can compare to not only having to struggle with taking care of yourself, but also having several other mouths to feed? I for one am proud to be a single mother. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in a loving marriage so that my kids could have two parents at home and some of the stress could be lifted off of me, but I am not going to wallow in my ‘shoulda-coulda-wouldas’ instead I embrace the fact that I am doing the best that I can with what I have. Does that make me bitter? No. Does that make me lash out? No. I am just aware of my situation and moving forward.
With that being said I hate to see people lash out on single parents. It always happens around Mothers Day and Fathers Day where other people blame the single parent for “having unprotected sex with the wrong person.” Come on now. How many of us have been in relationships with people and didn’t know it was going to turn out bad? EVERYONE!!! No one can say that they knew everything about a person when you start to date them. Sometimes the true person isn’t revealed until several years later. After that you both are in love, kids may have been brought in the equation and there is no longer a relationship. [Side note: Not all marriages last either, so don’t bash the ones who had kids out of wedlock. Carry on!]
Here’s where the problem lays, just because you don’t have a relationship with me, doesn’t mean you cannot have a relationship with your children. I have seen several couples break up and both parents are active in their children’s lives. The parents can’t stand each other but they are happily co-parenting to make it better for their children. Yet there are those that chose to leave their child(ren) along with the other person. (Shame on you!)
Now every situation is different. Some people may have been perfect for each other but drugs, alcohol, or life changed them. At that point they can no longer be a good member of society, let alone a good parent. Is that the other person’s fault? No!
We all need to come together and uplift each other and look for each other instead of trying to tear someone down for their mistakes in life. Who on earth has never made a mistake? Don’t worry I’ll wait. Show me someone who says they haven’t and I will show you a liar. The only way we can get better ourselves is to embrace our past and move on, that includes embracing mistakes and learning from them.
I just think its time we stop bashing single parents. They have enough to deal with that are more important that being bashed from other people. Including other single parents, or those that used to be one! With that being said. Its part of life to love who you are, and to be happy with who you are despite your situation. Don’t let negative comments stop you from being the best parent you can be. Don’t forget there are little eyes watching you!

-Love Tichelle

You Can’t Force Love… Don’t Settle Just Because its There.

So today I read in a group I’m in about a girl who is in a relationship with this guy who wants to make her settle down, but she’s not ready. What’s crazy is a lot of the women were commenting that she was stupid for not settling down with him. I think it crazy that these women think that she should because he’s a good guy. My question is how do they know? Because he is ready to get married? Because he wants to do what many men in this generation do not want to do?

I disagree!!! What this man is doing is trying to change and force her. You cannot force someone to be with you. I think I need to say that again. YOU CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE TO BE WITH YOU!!! In the end if that person will regret you and everything that comes with your relationship. What happens if you all have children? That person you forced to be with you will regret the children. There are too many loveless homes that many children are growing up in, why add another one?

It almost like many women are programmed to think that marriage and children are the only thing that we should aspire to have. Why? What are we in 1950? That was all women back in the day could aspire to have, unless they were a teacher, beautician or maid. Nowadays we can be anything that we want to be – lawyers, doctors, CEOs and any thing else we can imagine. Why settle for being just someones wife and mother.

Now I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being a housewife, but ONLY if thats what you WANT to do. You have to live your life for you and not want anyone else wants you to be. If you live your life to make others around you happy, you will NEVER and I repeat NEVER be happy.

I know of an elder lady who lived her whole life for what her family said she should do. She grew up, got married and had children. She lived her entire life making her husband and children happy. When all the children grew up and left home and her husband left her for a younger woman, she realized she had nothing. The worse part of it was she never wanted any of it. She was always attracted to women, but she knew that if she ever came out her family would disown her. There she was a senior citizen looking over her life and she was miserable. She never had a job so she had no skills and no degree. She had to start all over.

Why do that to yourself? Why not live everyday doing things that please you. If something doesn’t make you happy, change it. Whether it’s a job, relationship or living situation. Think about what steps you need to take to be happy and work towards that. You are never to late to start. That lady was well into her 50s and she opened up a restaurant, found her a girlfriend and to this day she is very happy. Everyone in her family and some old friends is not happy with her new life, a few have even cut her off, but she is happy. She wakes up with a smile on her face and goes to bed the same way.

What will make you happy? Why are you not going after it? Don’t ever settle for anything that is not the best for you no matter who says you are stupid for not settling. ~ Love Tichelle

Why don’t you really trust him/her?

Trust – firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something.

Trust is such a strong word. When you fully trust someone you are saying that you can trust them with you are. Meaning your emotions, your heart, your feelings, and your life. Trust is the backbone to commitment, but many don’t have it. How can you be in love with someone without trust? You can’t!

Lets get down to it, why don’t you fully trust the one you’re with? Did they do something to make you think they will hurt you? What is it Facebook? Instagram? Text messages?

Are you even sure its them you don’t trust? Could it possibly be that you don’t trust in general? Here’s why I ask that….

In my relationships I have never really trusted, even before they really gave me a reason. I always thought it was because I have been in some seriously jacked up relationships. I have been cheated on, lied to and manipulated, but those were not the root to my problem. Here is my problem, the very first boy that I ever had a crush on and told it tried to rape me with several friends. To make the situation worse, my “friends” were there and walked out without trying to help me. I was chastised, bullied and had to leave town because I chose to stand up about it. Have I let it go? Yes, or at least I thought I did until 20 years later it came to me that this is my REAL reason for mistrusting people. It stems from something deeper.

Now I am not saying that everyone has a deep dark demon in their past, but sometimes when things happen in your life you need to get to the root of the problem. Find out why you keep attracting players and jerks instead of trying to fix them. Sometimes the reason you are having reoccurring problems is because you have to deal with what is really going on with you. I am, slowly, one day at a time. It’s hard and my poor boo is usually the one catching all my crap along with my personal discoveries, but in order to make any relationship work you have to work on you first.

Hope this helps!!! Love Tichelle

Is Your Trust Issue Getting In The Way of Your Relationship

Have you ever looked at your S.O. (significant other) like ‘who the hell you talking to’ while they were on the phone? Or texting? What about when they are on their social media accounts? Well I have, don’t judge me. Why do we do that? Because nine times out of ten our level of trust is nothing. It took me several years to realize that I don’t trust anyone because I have been hurt. I don’t just mean hurt like I got cheated on hurt, which I have, but I have been deeply hurt. My ability to trust has been literally ripped apart and thrown out the window. So what do you do in these situations? Do you hack their accounts and check on what they are doing? NO!!!! What about go through their phone and read old text messages? Again, NO!!! Here’s what I do that keeps me from losing my mind or end up chasing someone away.
1. ASK QUESTIONS
            If something is bothering you ask about it. Don’t be afraid to say, “Hey babe, who are you on the phone with?” or “Baby what are you doing?” Try to refrain from attacking or pointing fingers at them. This will cause them to get defensive and then you have an argument that steamed from nothing. Tsk tsk tsk… No judgment here, I have done that. Ok… moving on…
2. DON’T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS
            Don’t automatically assume that because they are always on their phone or on social media that they are doing something disrespectful. I know for me Facebook is the only way I get to keep in touch with old friends. I’m not really a talk on the phone type person so I can easily make sure someone’s ok by simply logging in. Once again ask… Or secretly go to their page to make sure they are not up to something. Ok… bad joke… don’t really do that!!!
3. TALK
            Have you and your S.O. talked about boundaries and what makes you uncomfortable? How will he/she know that something makes you uncomfortable if you never discussed it? I realized that I never told my S.O. that them having conversations with an ex was uncomfortable for me. Sure we both had several friends that were exes, but this one particular chick makes my skin crawl. I don’t trust her, which in turn made me not trust my S.O. but I couldn’t get mad when I didn’t say that ahead of time. Although I still did because of the conversation, but that’s neither here nor there. (Totally different topic.) Anyways communication is very important in a lasting relationship. Express your feelings trust me that will work.
4. MAKE SURE ITS NOT YOUR GUILT
            Look at yourself, what are you doing? If you are inboxing someone inappropriately then that may be the reason that you think your S.O. is doing the same. Clear you conscience and either stop doing it or re-evaluate your relationship. What are the reasons that you are being so sneaky? Don’t jump down their throat because you are wrong. (Kind of in my feelings it seems, because I have had that done to me several time… ok let me calm down.)
Now by all means you really don’t have to do a thing because all things will eventually come to the light. Think about why you don’t trust them, have they done something in the past? Cheated on you? Lied? If they have and you said you forgave them have you? You can’t forgive them and you are still holding on to the past. It makes you full of resentment and in the end turns you bitter. Lord knows we don’t need any more bitterness in the world. I know a few that get on my nerves with it. Ugh!!!
Seriously though, if after all of this you still feel like there is something going on then it could be your intuition. If he/she is creeping, then make you decision to either drop their ass or try to work it out. No one can tell you where to go from that point, but stressing over what they are doing stops you from being able to live your life.