Category Archives: hurt

SVU – S19 E4

Spoilers and Trigger Warning – Sexual Assault

Screenshot 2018-07-26 17.36.43I am a survivor of sexual assault, on more than one occasion. This episode really got to me because it was like my first assault, but there wasn’t an easy resolution like Mandy got. In this episode, a girl, Mandy went to a party. She was super popular because she was a vlogger, and she was beautiful. She went to a party where she was raped and written all over in black marker. The next day she was chastised and bullied because she spoke up.

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Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Kids were calling her names, threatening her, assaulting her and forcing her to hold her head down. She had no friends left, no one to stand up for her even though many saw what happened. They blamed her for the guys getting in trouble instead of blaming the true responsible parties.

In the end, the rapist confessed in open court, apologized and then there was an assembly with an open discussion about being victims and how you’re not alone. She was able to go back to the school and hold her head high, because the police had her back, the boy admitting to his wrong doing and other students spoke up about bullying and why they didn’t speak up for her.

For me although my case was very similar to her, I didn’t get the same luxuries as she did in the end. In seventh grade I had a Halloween party because my mother wasn’t going to be home. It was all anyone could talk about. I was excited because I invited my crush, who I won’t name, although I should.

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Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

Everyone was at my house, everyone saw the things that my crush and his three friends did. No one stood up for me, minus one friend and she was attacked as well. Everyone else went outside and waited for their rides to come, ignoring my screams, my pleas and my childhood being ripped away from me. The next day, I tried filing a police report. I told the same story four times, and was finally told by an Alexandria (Fairfax County) Police officer, that as a black girl, I probably wanted it. Four black boys wouldn’t rape a black girl. If I was white, they would’ve believed me.

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Photo by Carlos Arthur on Unsplash

Crushed is not the word that defines this moment. I felt victimized again, but trust it didn’t end there. I was branded a whore. Everyday I got on the bus things were thrown at me, people tried to fight me, and school was worse. I was pushed in the eight grade boys gym hallway where boys grabbed at me and stuck their hands in my clothes. I had girls who fought me for trying to get the “cool guys” in trouble. I had a girl pull a gun on me in the middle of the park for “lying on them”.

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Photo by Andrei Lazarev on Unsplash

I was afraid to go to school, and what made it worse, Walt Whitman Middle School did nothing to protect me no matter how many times my mother went to the school. We eventually moved after months of bullying and fights. Which doesn’t help a kid. I tried to commit suicide, I had a plan. I told two friends who called my Mom and prevented it from happening, but it took a long time to get through.

Its crazy how years later I have heard a handful of apologies from now adults who had something to do with it. One of the guys tried to friend me on social media (he got a quick decline and block). I share my story because this episode almost triggered something in me. I felt for this girl, and then I felt bad for the reality. Not all of us survive, not all of us get to where they can speak up about the harsh realities of sexual assault.

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Photo by Mihai Surdu on Unsplash

I don’t consider myself a victim. I consider myself a survivor because I fought everyday to protect me, even years after it was over. I fought to get passed and to tell my story. Yes I am a #metoo and I am opening up and finally telling my story. I hope that perhaps I can help one person to know they are not alone.

 

If you or anyone you know have suicide thoughts or plans please call 1-800-273-8255 or you can text HOME (0r CONNECT) to 741741 and someone can text you through it. Also if you have been a victim to a sexual assault call 1-800-656-4673. These numbers are available 24/7. Reach out for help! You are not alone and cannot get through it alone. 

 

Today We Talked About Racism

 

img_1363.jpgMy 14 year old and 16 year old daughters received gifts from one of their Aunties for Christmas. Its a sweatshirt that represents the beauty it is to be black. Its a sweatshirt from Black Republic & Company that says on the front, “I’m Black Whats Your Super Power?” It’s a shirt that uplifted my daughters spirits throughout the many racist comments made daily.

Now me, I am the parent that has all types of activism shirts that I wear in the concession stands at the high school football games. I have shirts that stand with Planned Parenthood, the LGBT community, and several that stand for Black Lives Matter! NO ONE and I mean NO ONE has come for me. But today, this little boy broke my 14 year old daughters heart and scared her. He told her “I know what my Super Power is, its making a noose.”

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Pause. This little boy said a noose… like wrap around a black persons neck and hang them – noose, strange fruit – noose. Really? Deep breath!

First of all – the amount of curse words and closed fist punches to the throat I thought of doing to this kid, but I had to calm down, explain the situation to my child about the evil words of those who do not like us, even though they have no reason. I struggled to control myself, that was not just a racist comment, but a threat to my child’s life. Thats how I took it, and I have every intent to treat it like that.

Before I could even say I would be at the school the next morning, she said the Principal will not take reports of racism, he will send you to the Assistant Principal. The same one who acts like she doesn’t know that racism exists, even though she’s black. I wish they would say the sweatshirt is the problem, I will have every black person I know with the same hoodie on protesting on their front lawns. The problem is someone’s parent taught them that it was ok to disrespect my child who is black. The problem is that the leader of this country has racist people opening their mouths again like we will not beat the shit out of them.

Let me catch my breath.

Screenshot 2018-01-29 17.38.40But how do you talk to your child about racism? About the symbolism of the noose? How do you make them feel safe in a community that is only sprinkled with a few black faces? How do you make them feel like their skin is not the problem, but the ignorance of the others are. How when they hear these comments from more than just one little privileged white boy.

I always push unity, but we cannot begin to talk unity until we admit and acknowledge that racism is still alive and growing in 2018!

2018!!!! 

I had the talk, you know the talk that was on Grey’s Anatomy last week, the talk that was on a few commercials that white people everywhere was upset about. The talk that EVERY black parent has had with their child. The talk that explains to her that there is no escaping this, no matter where we go racism is there. We cannot hide the color of our skin, but we can fight so we never let another person make us feel like she felt today. You know the one white people don’t want to admit is real, because then they would have to admit that RACISM IS REAL! Its real and its hurtful. I never thought I would have to explain this today, Arkansas once again, I hyped you up and once again, I have been disappointed.

To complain with me call Cleveland County Superintendent Johnnie L Johnson at (870) 325-6344

No Review – I am judging the racist.

Its time out for the exclusions and separations.

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I know its Thursday, the day I have scheduled to do reviews.. but today, I don’t feel like much of a review, at least not of a book, movie or television show. I will save that for next week. This week, I want to talk about the failed system protecting these kids, protecting us.

“A system cannot fail those it was never meant to protect.” – W.E.B. DuBois

I live in a small town in Arkansas, a town with more animals that black people and the population is less than 500. I only moved here due to circumstances beyond my control, but I accepted it and I am here. I knew I wasn’t welcomed here when the woman across the street made sure her confederate flag faced my house, when people stared a little longer because not only were we black, but we weren’t the black kind that tries to fit in.

I have been feeling the pressures of being black in this house and in this county. It seemed that during Christmas time, we were everyones charity case. The family that everyone did so much for and said it was because I was a single mother of four girls and a caretaker of two elderly, I accepted. I have never been above anything free, but I found that everything free, comes with a price. Comes with a cost.

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A UPS driver came over one day with is sister in his truck (violation, right), to bring a dog house for my larger dog. His house wasn’t quite big enough and he didn’t like it. I thought it was a blessing, as odd as it was. He had no package to deliver, but offered to help out a lady and her dogs. His sister came off as helpful, someone who wanted to help keep my costs down and offered to send her vet friends to look at my dogs for free. I trusted this woman, until the phone calls became to frequent. The accusations that I could not care or pay for my dogs care. She assumed that because I was black, that I was poor.

Now I am not the richest person, nor do I have a lot, but my family has always been blessed. So her assumptions was wrong. She came over a few more times, in her UPS brothers truck, with dog food and a handout of help. I declined her help anymore and decided they had visited enough. Her visits stopped, although her brother continued to come by daily in his truck, according to her, to feed my dogs. (We ALWAYS had enough food to feed our dogs. We never asked for her help).

Last Friday, I received a call from Kim (I will not change her name because she mad a fool of me and I am not above making her look foolish). She offered to purchase my dogs from me. Now anyone that knows me, knows that my dogs are my babies. They are like my children. I rescued Chip, and Bella was given to us from an unwanted litter. I didn’t choose my dogs, they chose me. I am proud of my dogs and how they grow. Now Chips weight goes up and down and anyone that doesn’t know that, may look at him and think he’s sick, but he’s not.

She warned me that I would change my mind. So what happens today? The sheriffs come to my door and first gives me a warning and says that my dogs are healthy looking, only to return 45 minutes later saying I was a liar and I didn’t tell him I didn’t buy the dogs houses. (Why does that matter?) I was issued a criminal offense ticket of cruelty to animals, he said because my dogs didn’t have 24 hour access to water. *blank stare*

My dogs are a bit glutton and if I give Chip a big bowl of water, he will drink it until he throws up. I give him water when I feed him, and sometimes in between, especially depending on the weather. So now I have court.

Here’s my problem, Kim’s brother should’ve NEVER been on my property without a package to deliver nor should his sister been in his vehicle. Plus he was speaking to my children without my permission. (No… called UPS and they are “limited” on what they can do, oh but keep them updated.)

“I didn’t learn to be quiet when I had an opinion. The reason they knew who I was is because I told them.” ~ Ursula Burns

All this the same week that a boy commented on my daughters hoodies, asking if being shot by police was a black persons super power. All after the principle said that he will not address complaints of racism, to talk to the Assistant Principle.

Arkansas, I stood up for you. As much as its is a state that is all white vs black and KKK filled, I stood up for you, and now I am facing a felony and jail time that is equal to more than a murder of a person because I didn’t have a water bowl continuously filled for my dogs? With all the strays up and down Highway 79, why are my dogs on trial?

Screenshot 2018-01-25 20.19.39I am not dumb, I know my rights, and I have my proof. I cannot wait until court, because once again, I am assumed to be dumb, black and poor. I am assumed to go to court with a “no sir, yes sir” attitude. They picked the wrong black person if thats the case. I will not be run from this little racist ass town, nor will I bow down to the bullshit at stake.

So today I review and judge RACISM, and I am OVER IT! Sorry, but you will not have a head down sister over here. I will win, and I will still be here when the smoke clears. Smiling and possibly having a few new jobs to my disposal.

Sorry for the rant, but I am a pissed off sista with an agenda. 

Suicide – Dont ignore it, it won’t go away

RIL Chester Bennington – Linkin Park lead singer was found dead this morning of an apparent suicide.

Suicide is a topic that many still don’t want to talk about. People who speak up about feeling this way are hushed and told to “pray about it” or pushed away as if they are only asking for attention. YES THEY WANT ATTENTION!!! Why is that so bad? They want attention because they need someone to explain to them that life will get better, that their life is worth living.

By ignoring this issue, the numbers are climbing by children at younger ages. Why is this? Why is suicide talked so bad about and ignored? It causes those who need the help for it to suffer alone.

As someone who has had suicide attempts and ideations, its hard when you feel like you are losing your fight and all someone says is ‘suicide is selfish’, ‘think of who else you’d be hurting’, how do you know that they are not the ones hurting them? Many times if someone is talking about suicide all they think about is how life would be better for people in their lives.

You can’t overlook symptoms because you don’t want someone to be mad at you. I was mad at my best friends when I was 14 because I wanted to die. I called to say goodbye and they called my mother. Although I was mad at them then, I thank them as much as I can. I wouldn’t be here without them, and thats how a friendship should be.

Now on the other end if you ever feel like you should end it, talk to someone. If you have no one to talk to call or text the suicide hotline. I usually do my writing, or watch a happy movie or listen to music with an upbeat. Know that no matter what you have done in life, you can change and life can and will get better. Being happy sometimes takes accepting your life and taking responsibility for your life and what happens to you.

We cannot get through life alone. If you see someone who shows the signs talk to them or get them help. Don’t ignore the signs.

***If you or anyone you know are going through something and you feel like you are losing hope please get help. You can call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 its 24/7 or if you don’t feel like talking you can text the crisis hotline. Just text the word CONNECT to 741741. There are ways you can get help… If you need more information you can always email me at tiffanymarnold14@gmail.com. **** 

To The Bone – A Netflix Original

Its Review Time!!!!

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So I was having quite a moment last night, my anxiety was on an all time high and I was a wreck. I am so used to binge watching Pretty Little Liars (don’t ask.. I am trying to see where its going) and Criminal Minds from the beginning. I am also watching Underground and a few other shows that definitely don’t help with anxiety or making me feel motivated.

So I googled movies to watch on Netflix and came up with the most outdated lists of movies that were probably mediocre at best. So I started looking through the new releases. Don’t judge me but when my anxiety gets high, I usually watch Tinker Bell or one of the many sequels.

But the title caught my eye and the look of desperation on the girls face looking out the passenger window. Here was a girl that was feeling what I was feeling. The description says its about a 20-year old girl suffering with anorexia and goes on a journey of self discovery.

In this movie, although I am quite on the other spectrum, I eat when I am down… although, there are not many things I can eat now, but thats another story for another day. This movie talks about living when you have all but given up. There are so many factors I got from this. But the biggest thing is “WE ARE NOT DEAD!” We have the option to live our lives how we want. To make decisions to do better than the day before and live!

I know many won’t get this movie, but if you have anxiety, depression or any kind of mental health or medical issue this movie will lift your spirits. In this movie I found my spirit to get up and do what I set out to do. To not feel down about any situations I am going through, but to live my life for me!

***If you or anyone you know are going through something and you feel like you are losing hope please get help. You can call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 its 24/7 or if you don’t feel like talking you can text the crisis hotline. Just text the word CONNECT to 741741. There are ways you can get help… If you need more information you can always email me at tiffanymarnold14@gmail.com. **** 

Its Not Their Fault


I have been a single parent for almost 12 years now, minus a few “situationships” along the way, but  I’ve been mostly on my own. I had almost forgotten how hard it is in the beginning it is when you realize you’re doing it on your own until today.

Today my niece came to pick up her children from me. She had just left work and she was tired. She was complaining about all the things she had to do because “he” didn’t do any of it. Listening to her sounded so familiar, I heard my story.

I was her. I was a young mother of two children, both still in diapers. I worked a full time job where I commuted to work 45 minutes on the highway after dropping the girls off at a daycare 30 minutes out the way. I would come home to a husband, fresh out of jail, who didn’t know how to lift a finger to clean or cook. Yet he knew how to disappear.

I remember one time he left to go get milk for the kids cereal and came back 3 days later with no damn milk. Imagine how frustrating that is? Like why do I now have to call someone else to come get me to take me to the store, because you cant comprehend that the corner store is at the bottom of the neighborhood that you passed as you left. What did you have to go feed the cow and process the milk yourself. Its really not that hard.

Ok I’m getting sidetracked.

So anyways I remember being so frustrated and angry with him that the girls and I quit coming home. We would go to my Moms house, where he would follow, so I could have some help. I used to e so angry with everyone because here this low down bastard could help me take care of the family that he wanted to create.

I remember my AH HA moment. I was driving back to my moms house. It was late, and I was furious. My (then)husband had gotten himself arrested. He had dropped the girls off with his folks while he ran the streets, when he was supposed to take them to doctors appointments and spend time with him. Here I was late getting off due to a project at work, and I had to go find my children.

On the way back to my my Moms house, snow still on the banks from the blizzard and I was listening to Destinys Child’s new album – Destiny Fulfilled. (It was 2004). Their new album, in order, talked about a relationship from first flirting to complete failure. Somewhere between the song If and the song Through With Love I realized it. I was not his fuck up.

Now I dont think it was too much of what D3 was saying but more so the feeling I got when Michelle sang her verse on Through With Love. It made me realize that I was on my own and it was time to get over it. I couldnt let my happiness be determined by how he treated me. Hell he was happy, he was doing whatever he felt like, whenever he felt like doing it. I was the only one moping, but I was not the only one affected. I had two little faces that depended on me to tell them that life was going to be ok.

I say all this to say that we can’t control how someone treats us, but we can control how we respond. There is nothing harder than having to take care and raise children on your own. You will have other opinions to dodge, having no rest, cleaning and repeating yourself daily, but thats all part of being a mother. What difference will it make to complain? To be angry? You still have to do it. All I know is that at the end of the day I want to make sure my four little ones know that I am doing all I can for them. Because in the end, they are the only ones that matter.

Forgive But Never Forget

Life has given me plenty of ups and downs. Plenty of moments when I have been the victim. I have been hurt so many times, it’s like I expect it. My Mom says I always give second chances. No matter how much someone could drive me through the dirt or hurt me I always let them come back. Why? Because I believe people change. I know that I am not the same person I was two years ago or even two days ago. I am always evaluating who I am as a person and growing. I wouldn’t want someone to judge me or base their entire opinion on me based on mistakes I’ve made in the past. So why would I do that to someone else?



The problem is I forgive and forget. You should never forgive and forget. You can forgive but forgetting gives them a chance to repeat the same routine they did before. Maybe that person did in fact change but out of habit, getting back around you things begin to feel familiar. For example, a drug addict can’t go through rehab and then go back to the same things they were doing before they got clean. Familiar scenery are grounds for relapse. 
That’s the same with behavior. Knowing this makes so much sense to all my relationship issues (friends and family included). I need to learn to let go. As the late great Maya Angelou used to say “when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time”. 
Frankly I’m tired of being hurt, and it’s time for me to take a stand. Along with all of you. Sometimes we have to take responsibility for getting hurt. It’s not always the people around us that we can point the finger to. We have to look inside us and inside our behaviors and patterns. Why do we continue to LET people hurt us? 
So put your foot down, be strong and realize that life is too short to waste time being miserable, being scared, being depressed and not happy. Take the time you need between relationships and heal. Putting a bandaid on top of a wound and keep moving doesn’t always work. The bandaid will eventually fall off and show your scars. But if you let them heal internally, you can remove that bandaid, proudly own the left over marks and move on with peace. 
~Love Tichelle 💋

Unrequited Love

That amazing feeling you have when your every thought is of that one person. You catch yourself smiling for no reason about them. They can touch you and your whole body turns to mush. You tingle from a simple gesture. You’re in love. Not the puppy love where you are drawing hearts and doodling their name and yours together, but in love where you pray for them before you pray for yourself, the type of love where you want to give yourself up completely to them.
And then the unthinkable happens; you realize the love is not returned. You are putting your time and emotion into someone who does not feel the same about you. Maybe you were the rebound, maybe they NEVER really put their heart into it, or maybe you fell to quick. Whatever it is, you realize that you are the only one who thinks this is a good thing.
What do you do? So many people are so quick to judge and say you should move on, but what if you have really invested your time and feelings into this person? Shouldn’t you try to fight for something that feels right to you? Shouldn’t you try to find out why this person doesn’t see in you what you see in them? Why should you just walk away?
SO YOU DON’T GET HURT! So many are willing to put the

ir feelings aside for someone else. Don’t try to be everything for this person, because if they don’t see it, they never will, and in the end you will be mad at them for wasting your time, when really you can’t be mad at anyone but yourself.

The person that is right for you will not make you feel like that. You will know that they feel the same way without any hesitation, without any doubt.
Now how do you move on? These have always been my ways of moving on. They work for me, and I hope they work for you.
1. Stay away from them. Any contact with them will make you weak and fall back for the very things that make you fall for them. Trust me they are not worth your time.
2. Stay away from sad love songs. Play songs that talk about self-strength and moving on or self-love, nothing that reminds you of him/her.
3. Do not drink alone. If you do drink, drink with someone that will take your phone and keep you away from “drunk texting”.
 
4. Cry. Let out the emotions you feel so you can release them and move on.

Last but not least…

5. take the time to heal. Do not start talking to someone new until you have completely closed this door. Or you will do to the next what this one just did to you.
Love Yal… lovetichelle