Category Archives: getting over love

Its Not Their Fault


I have been a single parent for almost 12 years now, minus a few “situationships” along the way, but  I’ve been mostly on my own. I had almost forgotten how hard it is in the beginning it is when you realize you’re doing it on your own until today.

Today my niece came to pick up her children from me. She had just left work and she was tired. She was complaining about all the things she had to do because “he” didn’t do any of it. Listening to her sounded so familiar, I heard my story.

I was her. I was a young mother of two children, both still in diapers. I worked a full time job where I commuted to work 45 minutes on the highway after dropping the girls off at a daycare 30 minutes out the way. I would come home to a husband, fresh out of jail, who didn’t know how to lift a finger to clean or cook. Yet he knew how to disappear.

I remember one time he left to go get milk for the kids cereal and came back 3 days later with no damn milk. Imagine how frustrating that is? Like why do I now have to call someone else to come get me to take me to the store, because you cant comprehend that the corner store is at the bottom of the neighborhood that you passed as you left. What did you have to go feed the cow and process the milk yourself. Its really not that hard.

Ok I’m getting sidetracked.

So anyways I remember being so frustrated and angry with him that the girls and I quit coming home. We would go to my Moms house, where he would follow, so I could have some help. I used to e so angry with everyone because here this low down bastard could help me take care of the family that he wanted to create.

I remember my AH HA moment. I was driving back to my moms house. It was late, and I was furious. My (then)husband had gotten himself arrested. He had dropped the girls off with his folks while he ran the streets, when he was supposed to take them to doctors appointments and spend time with him. Here I was late getting off due to a project at work, and I had to go find my children.

On the way back to my my Moms house, snow still on the banks from the blizzard and I was listening to Destinys Child’s new album – Destiny Fulfilled. (It was 2004). Their new album, in order, talked about a relationship from first flirting to complete failure. Somewhere between the song If and the song Through With Love I realized it. I was not his fuck up.

Now I dont think it was too much of what D3 was saying but more so the feeling I got when Michelle sang her verse on Through With Love. It made me realize that I was on my own and it was time to get over it. I couldnt let my happiness be determined by how he treated me. Hell he was happy, he was doing whatever he felt like, whenever he felt like doing it. I was the only one moping, but I was not the only one affected. I had two little faces that depended on me to tell them that life was going to be ok.

I say all this to say that we can’t control how someone treats us, but we can control how we respond. There is nothing harder than having to take care and raise children on your own. You will have other opinions to dodge, having no rest, cleaning and repeating yourself daily, but thats all part of being a mother. What difference will it make to complain? To be angry? You still have to do it. All I know is that at the end of the day I want to make sure my four little ones know that I am doing all I can for them. Because in the end, they are the only ones that matter.

I Need Help This Time

           

            It’s over. The one relationship that you thought would never end, it was different than the rest. Although you said that before, this one was different, or so you thought. Now here you are again. Picking up the pieces of your broken heart and trying to find a way to put it back together. But just like every other time, there are pieces missing. This time even more than before. What’s next? How can you come from this? How can you move on?

            To be honest, I don’t know. I know I usually have an answer for everything, but I really don’t know how to heal from a broken heart. My heart has been broken so many times that I don’t think it will ever fully heal and believe in love again.
            For example, I am in the middle of a brutal break up. I thought I had finally met someone that truly loves me for me, and will be there to support me regardless of what I am facing and I was wrong. I am back where I started, heart broken and feeling like I wasted time. The worst part, the part that makes this one hurt far more than any other break up I have been through, is that I really opened up and talked about things I never discussed with anyone. Now I feel like I shouldn’t have. Like I never should’ve opened up.
            Ok this wasn’t supposed to be about what I am going through. I wasn’t supposed to talk about my heartbreak. I was supposed to talk about how to get over it, how to heal from it. But now instead of giving you all advice, I am asking you all for it. I need to know how you all move on. I already know the standard general responses like pray about it, take your time, ya, ya, ya… I don’t want to hear that. I want to hear about the stuff you do when you first decide its over, or when you first get dumped. The way you get rid of the overwhelming feelings of loss and betrayal.

            I was going to put a disclaimer for my ex or mutual friends but you know, I hope this is read. I hope that maybe my pain will be seen, because I’m not always the best at verbally expressing my feelings. Then again, I am trying to learn to not care. Smh… I really need help yal.

Unrequited Love

That amazing feeling you have when your every thought is of that one person. You catch yourself smiling for no reason about them. They can touch you and your whole body turns to mush. You tingle from a simple gesture. You’re in love. Not the puppy love where you are drawing hearts and doodling their name and yours together, but in love where you pray for them before you pray for yourself, the type of love where you want to give yourself up completely to them.
And then the unthinkable happens; you realize the love is not returned. You are putting your time and emotion into someone who does not feel the same about you. Maybe you were the rebound, maybe they NEVER really put their heart into it, or maybe you fell to quick. Whatever it is, you realize that you are the only one who thinks this is a good thing.
What do you do? So many people are so quick to judge and say you should move on, but what if you have really invested your time and feelings into this person? Shouldn’t you try to fight for something that feels right to you? Shouldn’t you try to find out why this person doesn’t see in you what you see in them? Why should you just walk away?
SO YOU DON’T GET HURT! So many are willing to put the

ir feelings aside for someone else. Don’t try to be everything for this person, because if they don’t see it, they never will, and in the end you will be mad at them for wasting your time, when really you can’t be mad at anyone but yourself.

The person that is right for you will not make you feel like that. You will know that they feel the same way without any hesitation, without any doubt.
Now how do you move on? These have always been my ways of moving on. They work for me, and I hope they work for you.
1. Stay away from them. Any contact with them will make you weak and fall back for the very things that make you fall for them. Trust me they are not worth your time.
2. Stay away from sad love songs. Play songs that talk about self-strength and moving on or self-love, nothing that reminds you of him/her.
3. Do not drink alone. If you do drink, drink with someone that will take your phone and keep you away from “drunk texting”.
 
4. Cry. Let out the emotions you feel so you can release them and move on.

Last but not least…

5. take the time to heal. Do not start talking to someone new until you have completely closed this door. Or you will do to the next what this one just did to you.
Love Yal… lovetichelle